The Final Straw

Friday September 25 was one of the days I just couldn't handle it anymore. I was at work with a major headache which is never a good thing. I called my cousin and had her bring me some medicine for the headache. She came during my lunch. When she walked in the door I burst into tears. I just couldn't help it. I was really struggling and I hadn't told anyone. I was having problems at work and I just kept it all to myself. Everyone around me thought everything was fine. Inside I was slowly going crazy. As I was talking about crying one of my students walked in. That was the last thing I needed. I hurriedly got the student to leave. I came home from work that night and immediately started looking for new jobs. I had finally had it with my job. I didn't know what to do but I knew it was a good situation for me to be in. I didn't feel safe in my own classroom because i couldn't trust my students. I applied and applied for other jobs. I spent the whole evening just crying and asking God what I should do. The next morning my cousin had an interview. I had planned to sleep in that day but because I was so extremely stressed out about my situation I only slept 3 hours. I was up extremely early praying and applying for jobs. I read the whole devotional for teachers. I just felt I needed to be near God in my situation. I prayed and applied and cried a lot. After a lot of prayer and crying I finally decided to meet with my mentor. When I decided that talking with my mentor was a good idea it was too late to call.
Sunday morning I called and we met at school Sunday afternoon. I went into the meeting knowing exactly what I was going to say. I was determined not to get emotional about what was going on. My mentor was extremely supportive of me and understood why I didn't feel safe in my own classroom. That evening when my mom called I finally told her what had been going on. It was one of the hardest conversations I have ever had with her. I was sobbing uncontrollably because I didn't want her to think that I was trying to take the easy way out. I just couldn't handle it. I spent about an hour on the phone crying and telling her what was going on. There were points in our conversation where I felt that she wasn't understanding and so I yelled at her. Of course after it was over I felt extremely bad about it. Towards the end of the conversations my cousin came upstairs to my bedroom and attempted to console me. She knew I was extremely upset and that I needed her. I honestly don't know what I would do without her. She is absolutely amazing. As I was having this conversation my neighbor was also over at our house. At one point she asked my cousin if she should go home. My cousin told her that if she wanted to be a part of our family (which is does want to be) then she might as well stay and experience me.
Monday morning one of the induction coaches from the district came in and took my class while I went and observed another teacher. Honestly it was what I needed at that point. I had contemplated all weekend about leaving my position.