Thursday, October 8, 2009
The Last Day
Today was my final day as an 8th grade teacher. Last night was a hard night for me. As I was reading through my students writing bench mark essays I read one said that the student thought because he made my mad sometimes that I am quitting because of him. It broke my heart. I can't believe that my students feel that it is all their fault that I made the choice to leave. So last night as I was crying I wrote each and everyone of my students a letter encouraging them to continue in school and to achieve great things in their life. Today was an ok day. By the afternoon the kids started to get very clingy because they knew that my time there was almost over. The last hour of the day one of my students began to cry. She was so sad that I was leaving. I tried to reassure her that it was going to be ok. The last couple minutes of the day I was ambushed by my students and given one big goup hug. I know that they are going to miss me and I will miss them too. Also the staff gave me a wonderful going away card. I did work with a fantastic group of people who I will miss. However I do not regret my decision in anyway.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Last Tuesday at Huber
Today was my final Tuesday with the kids. It was not an easy day by any stretch of the means. It was an extremely hard day. It all started when they wouldn't pay attention in math. At this point I am extremely frustrated with the total lack of respect for me. The day only went down hill from there. They were extremely disrespectful all day and security came into my classroom twice. Talk about feeling like you can't control the situation. Then I have two other teachers come in and try to help out. I felt totally helpless like I can't handle my own class. I appreciate their help and support but at the same time I feel extremely inadequate. By the end of the I had my students read for 30 minutes and I refused to talk to any of them. When the final bell rang I just waved them out. I know that they knew I was not happy with them. I am hoping and praying that tomorrow will be a better day. I am just feeling very defeated and can't wait for the end of the week when I will be done and can move on from this experience. At our staff meeting I talked to another teacher and he told me that if I had problems tomorrow to just go and get him and he will teach my class and I can teach his. He really wants be to have a good last few days at Huber. The way the week is going so far it doesn't make me feel sad that I am leaving. I really need tomorrow to be a better day because right now I am feeling extremely inadequate and just don't feel like I am making any difference. Today one of my students said " you know sh e is leaving because we did this to her." I thought finally one student gets why I am really leaving even though I have never told any of them this. I have only said that I am leaving for personal reasons. I didn't respond when I heard the student say it. I am just praying for the next two days to be better than today was.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Final Week in Douglas,Az
So this is my final week in Douglas. The house is almost completely packed and ready to go. We will get the moving truck on Friday, pack it Saturday and be on the road Sunday.
Sunday Oct. 4 I spent a good portion of the day cleaning and packing my bedroom...it now looks like I am moving. After I finished my cousin and I went with our friend/new roommate to take some stuff to people. That night I had the opportunity to people some very wonderful people. Of course I would meet these people as I am about to leave Douglas. It is all good though. We went to our friend's aunt's house. She has a 10 year old daughter who is absolutely amazing. The girl is funny and can carry on a conversation. I felt an immediate bond with her. I spent a good portion of our time there talking with her about her hunting and school and how she could do better in school. She was extremely engaged in our conversation and honestly I don't know what else was going on because I was focused on her and listening to her. As I was leaving she gave me a big hug which at first I didn't think anything of because kids give me hugs all the time it's just what they do. However we got back to the car and my friend said to be that she had never seen her cousin open up to someone so quickly. I felt very honored that this little girl that I had never met before trusted me enough to open up to me about school and everything. She even showed me her report card and we talked about how she could do better and things she could ask her teacher about. This little girl want to be a veterinarian when she grows up which I think is absolutely fantastic. She didn't want us to leave last night, so we are going back on Thursday one last time before we move. For me meeting this girl was not an accident I believe it was a divine appointment from God. Since my resignation I had really been questioning why I had gone into teaching. I wasn't sure if I had made the right decision. That little girl really made me realize that I did go into the right field. It's kids like her that make me want to be the best teacher that I can possibly be. I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to meet her because as much as I may have given her she gave me more. I know all things happen for a reason and I believe with my whole heart that I was sent her to Douglas to meet certain people.
Sunday Oct. 4 I spent a good portion of the day cleaning and packing my bedroom...it now looks like I am moving. After I finished my cousin and I went with our friend/new roommate to take some stuff to people. That night I had the opportunity to people some very wonderful people. Of course I would meet these people as I am about to leave Douglas. It is all good though. We went to our friend's aunt's house. She has a 10 year old daughter who is absolutely amazing. The girl is funny and can carry on a conversation. I felt an immediate bond with her. I spent a good portion of our time there talking with her about her hunting and school and how she could do better in school. She was extremely engaged in our conversation and honestly I don't know what else was going on because I was focused on her and listening to her. As I was leaving she gave me a big hug which at first I didn't think anything of because kids give me hugs all the time it's just what they do. However we got back to the car and my friend said to be that she had never seen her cousin open up to someone so quickly. I felt very honored that this little girl that I had never met before trusted me enough to open up to me about school and everything. She even showed me her report card and we talked about how she could do better and things she could ask her teacher about. This little girl want to be a veterinarian when she grows up which I think is absolutely fantastic. She didn't want us to leave last night, so we are going back on Thursday one last time before we move. For me meeting this girl was not an accident I believe it was a divine appointment from God. Since my resignation I had really been questioning why I had gone into teaching. I wasn't sure if I had made the right decision. That little girl really made me realize that I did go into the right field. It's kids like her that make me want to be the best teacher that I can possibly be. I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to meet her because as much as I may have given her she gave me more. I know all things happen for a reason and I believe with my whole heart that I was sent her to Douglas to meet certain people.
Resignation
Tuesday morning I went into work like I would any other day. I had an extremely heavy heart because I knew that I had to talk with my principal about leaving my position. I knew it was going to be an extremely difficult conversation to have. As I was preparing for the day one of the induction coaches came in and he asked me if the rumor he had heard was true. I asked what the rumor was and he told me it was about me leaving. I told him that is what I wanted to do. He was completely understanding of why I wanted to leave.
As the day started I was teaching math and things were going ok. About 9:30am the other induction coach came into my classroom and asked if we could talk. She had brought someone to cover my class while I was gone. I was not feeling so good when we walked out of my classroom and she could tell. I was just having a really hard time controlling my breathing and she knew it. She just kept telling me to relax and that everything was going to be ok. I believe here that everything would be ok. We went to the library and she just asked what was going on. I was extremely candid with her about everything. She was very supportive of me and asked if I wanted to resign that day. I was relieved that it was an option. She called my principal in and told him. I was crying the whole time. I felt bad that I wanted to leave but also relieve that I had that option. My principal said that he understood my decision and he could tell that I wasn't happy there. I spent the next hour or so with the induction coach just talking about anything that didn't pertain to what had just happened. I took the rest of the day off and spent some time with two of my best friends. We ran errands and I tried to relax a little. I was so tightly wond that I thought I might break. I cried off and on all day. It was like it came in waves. At this point in time I wasn't eating much my friends were force feeding me at least once a day.
The following day I knew that I had to tell my students because the rumors were flying. I heard so many different things from my students that I just had to set the record straight. The first thing my kids said was did you get fired. I made sure they knew that I wasn't fired from my job. They had so many questions for it. It was weird that they wanted to ask all these questions now that I was leaving. I told them that I was leaving because of personal reasons. They of course were not satisfied with that answer but it was the only answer that I was going to give them. I told that I would be at school until fall break. They were upset that I wasn't going to be doing parent/teacher conferences. That afternoon after work I was in another teacher's classroom and a student said to me "Miss your eyes look really good." I didn't understand why the student would say that. I didn't do anything different to my eyes that day. Then later when I got home from work my friend said to me "Your eyes look really good today." I was like a couple students said the same thing. She thinks that my eyes looked really good because I was relieved.
The last couple days of the week were really hard. The students knew I was leaving and so they were going to make it miserable for me. It's like I can't live with them and they don't want to live without me. I know that once I am gone they are going to miss me but right now they are really acting out.
As the day started I was teaching math and things were going ok. About 9:30am the other induction coach came into my classroom and asked if we could talk. She had brought someone to cover my class while I was gone. I was not feeling so good when we walked out of my classroom and she could tell. I was just having a really hard time controlling my breathing and she knew it. She just kept telling me to relax and that everything was going to be ok. I believe here that everything would be ok. We went to the library and she just asked what was going on. I was extremely candid with her about everything. She was very supportive of me and asked if I wanted to resign that day. I was relieved that it was an option. She called my principal in and told him. I was crying the whole time. I felt bad that I wanted to leave but also relieve that I had that option. My principal said that he understood my decision and he could tell that I wasn't happy there. I spent the next hour or so with the induction coach just talking about anything that didn't pertain to what had just happened. I took the rest of the day off and spent some time with two of my best friends. We ran errands and I tried to relax a little. I was so tightly wond that I thought I might break. I cried off and on all day. It was like it came in waves. At this point in time I wasn't eating much my friends were force feeding me at least once a day.
The following day I knew that I had to tell my students because the rumors were flying. I heard so many different things from my students that I just had to set the record straight. The first thing my kids said was did you get fired. I made sure they knew that I wasn't fired from my job. They had so many questions for it. It was weird that they wanted to ask all these questions now that I was leaving. I told them that I was leaving because of personal reasons. They of course were not satisfied with that answer but it was the only answer that I was going to give them. I told that I would be at school until fall break. They were upset that I wasn't going to be doing parent/teacher conferences. That afternoon after work I was in another teacher's classroom and a student said to me "Miss your eyes look really good." I didn't understand why the student would say that. I didn't do anything different to my eyes that day. Then later when I got home from work my friend said to me "Your eyes look really good today." I was like a couple students said the same thing. She thinks that my eyes looked really good because I was relieved.
The last couple days of the week were really hard. The students knew I was leaving and so they were going to make it miserable for me. It's like I can't live with them and they don't want to live without me. I know that once I am gone they are going to miss me but right now they are really acting out.
The Final Straw
Friday September 25 was one of the days I just couldn't handle it anymore. I was at work with a major headache which is never a good thing. I called my cousin and had her bring me some medicine for the headache. She came during my lunch. When she walked in the door I burst into tears. I just couldn't help it. I was really struggling and I hadn't told anyone. I was having problems at work and I just kept it all to myself. Everyone around me thought everything was fine. Inside I was slowly going crazy. As I was talking about crying one of my students walked in. That was the last thing I needed. I hurriedly got the student to leave. I came home from work that night and immediately started looking for new jobs. I had finally had it with my job. I didn't know what to do but I knew it was a good situation for me to be in. I didn't feel safe in my own classroom because i couldn't trust my students. I applied and applied for other jobs. I spent the whole evening just crying and asking God what I should do. The next morning my cousin had an interview. I had planned to sleep in that day but because I was so extremely stressed out about my situation I only slept 3 hours. I was up extremely early praying and applying for jobs. I read the whole devotional for teachers. I just felt I needed to be near God in my situation. I prayed and applied and cried a lot. After a lot of prayer and crying I finally decided to meet with my mentor. When I decided that talking with my mentor was a good idea it was too late to call.
Sunday morning I called and we met at school Sunday afternoon. I went into the meeting knowing exactly what I was going to say. I was determined not to get emotional about what was going on. My mentor was extremely supportive of me and understood why I didn't feel safe in my own classroom. That evening when my mom called I finally told her what had been going on. It was one of the hardest conversations I have ever had with her. I was sobbing uncontrollably because I didn't want her to think that I was trying to take the easy way out. I just couldn't handle it. I spent about an hour on the phone crying and telling her what was going on. There were points in our conversation where I felt that she wasn't understanding and so I yelled at her. Of course after it was over I felt extremely bad about it. Towards the end of the conversations my cousin came upstairs to my bedroom and attempted to console me. She knew I was extremely upset and that I needed her. I honestly don't know what I would do without her. She is absolutely amazing. As I was having this conversation my neighbor was also over at our house. At one point she asked my cousin if she should go home. My cousin told her that if she wanted to be a part of our family (which is does want to be) then she might as well stay and experience me.
Monday morning one of the induction coaches from the district came in and took my class while I went and observed another teacher. Honestly it was what I needed at that point. I had contemplated all weekend about leaving my position.
Sunday morning I called and we met at school Sunday afternoon. I went into the meeting knowing exactly what I was going to say. I was determined not to get emotional about what was going on. My mentor was extremely supportive of me and understood why I didn't feel safe in my own classroom. That evening when my mom called I finally told her what had been going on. It was one of the hardest conversations I have ever had with her. I was sobbing uncontrollably because I didn't want her to think that I was trying to take the easy way out. I just couldn't handle it. I spent about an hour on the phone crying and telling her what was going on. There were points in our conversation where I felt that she wasn't understanding and so I yelled at her. Of course after it was over I felt extremely bad about it. Towards the end of the conversations my cousin came upstairs to my bedroom and attempted to console me. She knew I was extremely upset and that I needed her. I honestly don't know what I would do without her. She is absolutely amazing. As I was having this conversation my neighbor was also over at our house. At one point she asked my cousin if she should go home. My cousin told her that if she wanted to be a part of our family (which is does want to be) then she might as well stay and experience me.
Monday morning one of the induction coaches from the district came in and took my class while I went and observed another teacher. Honestly it was what I needed at that point. I had contemplated all weekend about leaving my position.
September
The month of September started out great. I went to a University of Arizona football game and spent some time with a great friend in Tucson. I thought this is going to be good. I went back to work after Labor Day and it was weird to think that my friends at home were just getting ready to start school and I had been teaching for a month. The first two weeks of September were relatively good. My students were extremely interested in 9/11 and what transpired on that day. We spent 2 weeks learning about and working on stuff about 9/11. It was an incredible 2 weeks. The questions they had were amazing I also learned a lot about my students in those 2 weeks.
After 9/11 it was like they went back to being their obnoxious selves. I was sad to see them turn into this. I learned that some of my students think that dropping out of school is an option and one that some of them are thinking about choosing. When I found this out I was extremely sad and didn't quite understand why they thought that it was an option. One of my students was very adamant about dropping out. I went home from work that night and thought what have I gotten myself into? I felt that I truely didn't understand my students. I felt like I shouldn't be in this business if I couldn't inspire students to want to stay in school. It was one of the first days that I began to question myself about why I had chosen the path that I did.
As September continued my students became worse. On September 14 I was hit in the back with an eraser. One of my students used a rubberband as a slingshot and hit me in the back with an eraser. The students then thought it was funny and bragged about it to other students. I also was hit in the face that day with a crumpled up piece of paper. That night I left work really questioning why I was there. I truly didn't understand why God would call me to a place where the students disliked me so much. I questioned God several times about this I truly didn't understand why my students had such a hate for me.
The next day the same thing happened but to another student. That is when all he** broke loose. Three of my students were suspended for hitting me and for hitting another student. I felt extremely defeated. I cried a lot about the whole situation. I have such a love for my students and I want them to be successful and productive citizens.
On September 16 I only had 10 students in class because it was Mexico's independence day. It was a nice day that I was able to really connect with some of my students and see the real them. Not the person that they were when everyone was there. It was a really good day. After so many bad days where tears were such a part of the day it was like a ray of sunshine in a really bad monsoon season. However on September 17 when everyone was back it was like walking back into a nightmare.
On September 17 late in the evening I was surprised by my family. They came to surprise me for my birthday. It was the most amazing birthday gift I have ever received. I love my family so much and being away from them was one of the most difficult things however I knew that God sent me here to Douglas, Az for a specific purpose.
September 18 was my birthday. The day wasn't too bad. My students were very excited about it being my birthday and they loved that my family was here to be with me on my day.
The last 2 weeks of September were probably the worst weeks I have ever had. I was very stressed out because my students were just becoming more than I could handle or that is how I felt.
After 9/11 it was like they went back to being their obnoxious selves. I was sad to see them turn into this. I learned that some of my students think that dropping out of school is an option and one that some of them are thinking about choosing. When I found this out I was extremely sad and didn't quite understand why they thought that it was an option. One of my students was very adamant about dropping out. I went home from work that night and thought what have I gotten myself into? I felt that I truely didn't understand my students. I felt like I shouldn't be in this business if I couldn't inspire students to want to stay in school. It was one of the first days that I began to question myself about why I had chosen the path that I did.
As September continued my students became worse. On September 14 I was hit in the back with an eraser. One of my students used a rubberband as a slingshot and hit me in the back with an eraser. The students then thought it was funny and bragged about it to other students. I also was hit in the face that day with a crumpled up piece of paper. That night I left work really questioning why I was there. I truly didn't understand why God would call me to a place where the students disliked me so much. I questioned God several times about this I truly didn't understand why my students had such a hate for me.
The next day the same thing happened but to another student. That is when all he** broke loose. Three of my students were suspended for hitting me and for hitting another student. I felt extremely defeated. I cried a lot about the whole situation. I have such a love for my students and I want them to be successful and productive citizens.
On September 16 I only had 10 students in class because it was Mexico's independence day. It was a nice day that I was able to really connect with some of my students and see the real them. Not the person that they were when everyone was there. It was a really good day. After so many bad days where tears were such a part of the day it was like a ray of sunshine in a really bad monsoon season. However on September 17 when everyone was back it was like walking back into a nightmare.
On September 17 late in the evening I was surprised by my family. They came to surprise me for my birthday. It was the most amazing birthday gift I have ever received. I love my family so much and being away from them was one of the most difficult things however I knew that God sent me here to Douglas, Az for a specific purpose.
September 18 was my birthday. The day wasn't too bad. My students were very excited about it being my birthday and they loved that my family was here to be with me on my day.
The last 2 weeks of September were probably the worst weeks I have ever had. I was very stressed out because my students were just becoming more than I could handle or that is how I felt.
The first couple weeks of school
So I told myself that when I moved to Arizona for my first teaching job that I would start a blog about my adventure here. Well it has taken me several weeks and now a couple months to finally get to it. Teaching is not an easy job I find myself with little time to set aside to blog about my experience.
I started my first teaching job with 26 8th graders. Doesn't sound too bad right?...well 22 of then were boys...and only 4 girls. The first couple days were rough. I never had that honeymoon period that people talked about. My students were extremely comfortable with me from the first moment I met them. I knew they were bgoing to be a lively bunch of kids. However I knew that there was no way I could handle that may 13 year old boys in one class.
On day 2 of school I went to administration and asked that they do something about the amount of boys I had. They attempted to "fix" the problem by removing 2 boys. The dynamics changed a little but nothing too drastic. I continued to teach these students. Finally after 2 full weeks of this the counselor came in to talk to my class and she was having trouble controlling the class. She asked me how it was going and I was extremely candid with her about how hard it had been. Within the next 2 days I was down to 17 boys and 4 girls. Things were changing and it was improving a little. My the time we had our first parent night I was feeling pretty good. Things were running more smoothly and I felt like I was getting somewhere with the kids. I was able to meet a couple of my students parents and it was a great time.
I started my first teaching job with 26 8th graders. Doesn't sound too bad right?...well 22 of then were boys...and only 4 girls. The first couple days were rough. I never had that honeymoon period that people talked about. My students were extremely comfortable with me from the first moment I met them. I knew they were bgoing to be a lively bunch of kids. However I knew that there was no way I could handle that may 13 year old boys in one class.
On day 2 of school I went to administration and asked that they do something about the amount of boys I had. They attempted to "fix" the problem by removing 2 boys. The dynamics changed a little but nothing too drastic. I continued to teach these students. Finally after 2 full weeks of this the counselor came in to talk to my class and she was having trouble controlling the class. She asked me how it was going and I was extremely candid with her about how hard it had been. Within the next 2 days I was down to 17 boys and 4 girls. Things were changing and it was improving a little. My the time we had our first parent night I was feeling pretty good. Things were running more smoothly and I felt like I was getting somewhere with the kids. I was able to meet a couple of my students parents and it was a great time.
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